Impending decisions

An update to this blog is way overdue. So, tonight I decided:

JUST DO IT.

Back in February, there was a lot of drama. Things just kept getting worse, and by May I had decided to take a break from school. Looking back, it was totally the right decision. Life is definitely better now. So, I think it's time to move forward. During the next 6 months, decisions will be made that will significantly impact my future.

Actually, I hate decisions. Sometimes even deciding what to eat at a restaurant is tough! But, I especially hate "now or never" decisions. The kind where you can't change your mind later. My natural tendency is to want to keep my options open as long as possible.

Right now I am planning to start up RT school again in May. If I don't start school again at that time, then I will close the book on the medical part of my life forever. The finality of that is pretty scary. I've invested a lot of time, energy, and money over the last two years... But, I'm just not excited about RT work anymore, so I'm not sure it's worth finishing the program. On the other hand, it could be that my lack of enthusiasm is more about the situation I was in than the work itself. Thus, at this point, I'm still planning to give it another shot.

One problem I'm not really dealing with right now is my current job:

I really like it! :D

But, seriously, it's a problem because my current part-time position is not making ends meet. I should start searching in earnest for a job with better compensation. But, I don't want to give up this job, because I enjoy going to work most every day. I am happy at work. I feel understood and appreciated. I know I am capable and competent. I am part of a successful team! Most of my working life has been spent on jobs where I've felt isolated, lonely, unsupported, and/or stressed out. So, I am really thankful for the good things going on at my current workplace. If only it paid better.

Well, tonight I'm not making any big decisions. Tonight I'm just glad that I have a job that includes a positive work environment. I can't believe I didn't blog about all the wonderful experiences that happened between February and now! Hmm... maybe my next blog will include a photo slideshow of the highlights. But, for now, goodnight blog world. :)

Not dead

Today I decided to revive my blog. No promises for how often I'll update it. But today I have something to say.

Yesterday was a personal victory!
I drove up to Everett in the rain.
And down to Tacoma in the rain.
And back to Auburn in the rain.
And I wasn’t afraid! In fact, I actually enjoyed all three hours of time in my car. I like driving my car now. Even in the rain.
This is significant because for several years I was afraid of driving in the rain. I did it when necessary, but it really stressed me out, and used to try to avoid it.

I wonder if the passage of time dulled the memories that triggered the fear. It's been almost 4 years this October since my last car accident, a spin-out on Hwy 16. Maybe it’s partly increased confidence. Now I’m driving a new(ish) car that I love. It has quality all-weather tires. I even had them siped. I have been driving a lot without incident between my job in Southcenter and my school in Tacoma. Perhaps many positive experiences are overwriting my negative ones.

I also think I have been desensitized by this year’s BIG SNOW. When I drove to work after the first big snowfall, I cried on the way there because I was so scared I might spin out of control. When I finally got to work it took about a half an hour before I stopped shaking. I remember white-knuckling it home several nights on roads where you couldn’t see the lane markings, and driving 20 mph on the freeway because at 25 mph my car started to slip and slide. To get out of the driveway one day, I had to rev the engine almost up to the red line in reverse. The road to the freeway felt like one big pothole after another because the snowplows didn’t plow there. One time it took 2 hours to get home instead of 25 minutes: that was when I was out in the worst of the December snow storms. Visibility was so poor that I accidentally took the wrong exit off highway 167. Got about 300 yards onto the off-ramp when I realized that my car was NEVER going to make it up the hill of Hwy 18 Westbound. I had intended to get off at the next exit to Hwy 18 Eastbound. So, I pulled off to the side, turned on my emergency flashers, put my car in reverse, and slowly backed up. Steering and traction in the snow was difficult in reverse on a FWD car but I made it okay. I saw 3 other disabled vehicles on that fateful off-ramp who didn’t or couldn’t back up like me. Compared to that, rain is now a piece of cake!

But, you know, I think I should give myself some credit for this victory as well. Underneath my quiet, sweet exterior, beneath layers of mercurial moods and insecurities, there is a lionheart: brave and determined. I am a Leo! Sometimes I forget that. Lately, I’ve been pretty down on myself: what have I to show for my life in my early thirties? I have no house, no spouse, no kids, no career, no money, no passion, no special calling. I've felt like a failure and have been in self-destruct mode for a while. But, last week I started talking to a counselor. And this week I've realized that I'm not a failure. I just march to the beat of a different drum. Over the weekend, I remembered the last time someone picked out a song for me to perform: they described it as “something BOLD”. I remember blinking and saying, “What? Me?” Yes, just look closer...

Leo gleamed in the dark when I broke my foot falling off the balance beam as a teen. I just decided to practice on my other leg so I could complete an aerial dismount at the end of the season when my cast came off. And I did. Courage won the day when I signed up for dancing lessons by myself a couple years ago. I found out I'm good at it and the hobby brings me joy. While searching for the perfect career, I have bravely tried a wide variety of jobs I never dreamed I could do: healthcare, operations/admin, computer sales, teaching, and performing artist. In each one, I have done quality work and made significant contributions toward the success of my students or my team. Most recently, this quarter I was named among the top 3 most improved at work in 2 key areas. This quarter my RT preceptors have told me they see a lot of potential.

If I were a hero, I’d be a knight in shining armor. Only instead of the typical silver stuff, MY armor is pink and sparkly. And instead of saving damsels in distress, I just save myself. hehe! These days, I have some battle scars. My armor is a little tarnished and missing chinks here and there. Some days I'm just downright weary. But, I haven't given up. I don’t have a specific cause to crusade for. But, I still believe in mercy, friendship, love, joy, and courage. And I am fighting to hold on to hope: that someday I’ll find where I fit. That someday I'll have a home of my own. That someday I’ll share my life with someone. That someday I'll look back and be proud of the road I decided to take and the person I decided to be.

So, I say to the weather today as I'm about to leave for Tacoma and Woodinville later this evening:
"Okay Rain. Is that all you got? Bring it on: I'm ready for you now." :)

'Nuff said

My blog has died.
It was about music, medicine, and miscellaneous things that touched my heart or my curiosity.
I don't play or sing anymore.
I had to give up orchestra this quarter because my clinical is in Everett and I need to go to bed early to be there at 6:30 tomorrow.
I drag myself to school, but I don't enjoy it and my performance is declining.
I can't think of anything else that warrants a post in the miscellaneous category.
So, there is nothing left to say.
But, I can't quite bring myself to delete the blog.
So, I'll leave it up, like a tombstone marking the spot where my first blog rests in peace.

Dear Moon, Sorry I missed you. Love, Me

Tonight's full moon was the biggest and brightest of the year. In fact, it's been 15 years since a full moon has been this big!
Click here for an article for more information about the cosmic event.

Unfortunately, it was raining and slushing here (typical WA winter weather) and the cloud cover was so thick that I missed it.
How disappointing. Oh well. At least I got to photograph the lunar eclipse a while back. And I did catch a few falling stars during a meteor shower on the way home from work once this summer. Maybe next time the weather will cooperate or I will be someplace where the weather is not an issue.

Pancakes and motorcycle memories

Today I had a filling at my dentist in Federal Way. They numbed me up so I didn't feel a thing. But, after the procedure I was famished! (I hadn't eaten anything since last night.) So, after a short internal debate on the safety and efficacy of eating while numb, I decided to have a little something at IHOP just a mile or so away. Unfortunately, the eating didn't go very well. I could only taste and chew things on one side and I had to eat extremely slow in order to avoid injuring myself. So, after 1 cup of cocoa, 1/4 of a pancake, and a few bites of omelette, I decided to box the rest up for later.

But, before that, I experienced one of those "small world" moments. A guy came in and sat at the table next to me. I didn't pay much attention. But, then he said, "Excuse me. You may not even know what I'm talking about, but I just had to ask... did you go for a bike ride with my buddy at Pt. Defiance a while back?" I was totally shocked. Yes, that was me. He remembered me from 6 months ago when it wasn't even his bike. I think I wrote a short blog about it in May. Anyway, today I didn't even look the same. I was all bundled up in a sweater, hat, and scarf. I was wearing glasses and had my hair pulled back in a ponytail. But, he STILL recognized me and proceeded to ask for my phone number in case I wanted to go riding again sometime.

Wow. I guess it really is a small world sometimes. That was kind of a nice way to start the day! Too bad I was numb on half my face so I couldn't even smile properly at him. haha. Oh well. Now off I go to take another final exam...

My last day of clinical

Generally I'm in a bad mood. I'll spare you the details.
But then the sun came out and warmed my face and back as I trudged between buildings at school. So far, that's the highlight of my day: walking between buildings.

But, after the meeting today I get to go to work. I'm looking forward to that. I like my job, and a large factor in that is the wonderful people I work with. We're always busy, very goal-oriented, but somehow we still find time to fit in a few laughs every day.

My last day of clinical experience for this quarter was on Wedneday and it was a good day. It was the first time when something I noticed and reported actually resulted in a change to the patient's treatment. I was sent over to do a routine Duoneb treatment on a patient that the nurse had described as "very wheezy". However, when I arrived to assess the patient, I could tell that her wheeze wasn't really a wheeze at all. It was stridor (a harsh, crowing sound emanating from the throat when there's swelling or blockage of the large upper airway.) So, after my preceptor and the MD on duty confirmed my observation, we administered racemic epinephrine right away to help with swelling. When I left they were still trying to determine if maybe she had aspirated something too. You'd think it wouldn't be that hard to determine. But, this particular patient wasn't quite oriented mentally, so she was unable to answer simple diagnostic questions like "does it hurt?" or "is there something caught in your throat?"

Wednesday was also the first day that I actually talked to an MD directly. (Usually they just talk to my preceptor or other hospital staff while I just observe in the background.) Anyway, on Wednseday I talked to TWO doctors and they both decided to quiz me on my ability to assess breath sounds and determine whether or not a patient needed the treatment I was about to give. Thankfully, I answered both of their inquiries confidently and correctly. On the first patient, the doctor said that reason she sounded reduced on one side was that she has lung cancer and a large tumor has reduced her vital capacity significantly.

I wish I could continue my clinical experience and take a break from classes for a while. Oh well. Next quarter I have to drive up to EVERETT for my clinicals two days a week starting in February. Ouch. Talk about sleep deprivation. I think I'll have to get up at 4am just to get there on time... So I guess I better enjoy winter break while it lasts! So far I've got Zoolights and cookie baking on the docket. I'm also hoping I'll get more hours at work. If not, I think maybe I'll write a paper. There's a contest for student submissions in the Focus respiratory journal and entries are due Feb 5. I think I'll give myself the rest of finals week "off" then start in on researching that paper.

I think I misplaced my November

"Masquerade! Paper faces on parade....
Hide your face so the world will never find you!"
(from Phantom of the Opera)

This is a picture of the mask I wore up in Seattle on Halloween. I found it in a shop on Capital Hill, Broadway street in fact. There were so many beautiful costumes and masks there. November is a good month for masks as well. Too bad I didn't remember to watch V for Vendetta on the 5th of November this year. Doh!

Where did the time go? Last thing I knew I was blogging about midterms and suddenly finals are around the corner and Christmas music is playing. Tonight I decided I ought to get one blog in during the month of November. I haven't missed a whole month before, so that finally motivated me to put something here. What's really pathetic is that November was also Nanowrimo! (National Novel Writers Month.) So, what did I do? Went AWAL from the blogging community. Hah. Nice. Well, lots of things have happened. But, nothing has really changed. So, now I guess we'll see how long I can go on about nothing. Hehe.

Tonight I was supposed to be out dancing at the Abbey. I had a ball last weekend. But, this weekend, I just wasn't able to summon the motivation to make myself go. It's funny: once I get there, I'm fine. But, every single time it's always a struggle to make myself go out. Sometimes, like tonight, I do not win the struggle and I just stay home. Weird. I guess the fact that I have to be at work at 8am didn't help this time.

Work is great though! I like my job and all the elbow room in the new store. I'm thankful that this job is still something I look forward to. The week before we opened was so much fun, even though we worked really hard. My muscles were sore from lifting and carrying so much stuff. But, then we got to eat meals as a group and each day had a theme. There was a pajama party day and a rock band day. Everyone wore band T-shirts. And someone brought a real disco ball. And there was Guitar Hero on our lunch break at one point. And that's probably all I should say about that. Hehe. It was interesting being part of the one-day sale on Black Friday too. I still don't know where everything is in the new space. But, I'm learning. One day, someone called in sick so I volunteered to help with decorations and product placement late at night. I really enjoyed it and the they said my cable management efforts turned out "perfect" a couple times.

School is going...still. I have to write a paper this week, a "patient evaluation" including a summary of their medical history, chief complaints, and my recommendations for treatment. Maybe once I get into it I will enjoy the challenge. My first couple "clinical" days at my first hospital assignment this month were pretty fascinating, but lately it's been a bit boring. They just send me out to do all the nebulizer treatments on the hospital floors. Lots and lots of neb treatments. It's good for me, like that cough syrup that tastes terrible but helps you feel better. I need the practice to help my efficiency and solidify my routine. But, I'm pretty sick of neb treatments now, figuratively speaking. Physically, I'm very healthy though! (Knock on wood!) I think that flu shot I got actually did the trick this year.

Other highlights of this month....hmmm...I played a Mozart concert featuring some a couple of works in minor keys and an exceptionally talented clarinet soloist. I was so bummed when orchestra ended. I can hardly wait for it to start up again. I also watched my first curling tournament, cheered for the contestants at a marching band event in Auburn, went shoe shopping with a couple girlfriends, and saw Twilight and Quantum of Solace.

Thanksgiving was yummy as always. My sister brought pumpkin scones and pumpkin pie and made a great green bean casserole. My mom made some seriously super stuffing and turkey. I was surprised at how well my garlic-herb mashed potatoes turned out because I just winged it without a recipe. And I was very happy with my sweet potato casserole too. It's a sweet dish involving brown sugar and marshmallows and it's probably my favorite thing about Thanksgiving dinner...well, that and leftover turkey-cream cheese-cranberry sauce sandwiches. Had one of those today too. I don't spend much time in the kitchen usually, but the last 3 things I have put effort into turned out really good. Maybe I should try cooking more often.

Well, here's looking forward to Christmas cookie baking and Zoolights! (I sure hope I'll be able to go this year.)