Today I decided to revive my blog. No promises for how often I'll update it. But today I have something to say.
Yesterday was a personal victory!
I drove up to Everett in the rain.
And down to Tacoma in the rain.
And back to Auburn in the rain.
And I wasn’t afraid! In fact, I actually enjoyed all three hours of time in my car. I like driving my car now. Even in the rain.
This is significant because for several years I was afraid of driving in the rain. I did it when necessary, but it really stressed me out, and used to try to avoid it.
I wonder if the passage of time dulled the memories that triggered the fear. It's been almost 4 years this October since my last car accident, a spin-out on Hwy 16. Maybe it’s partly increased confidence. Now I’m driving a new(ish) car that I love. It has quality all-weather tires. I even had them siped. I have been driving a lot without incident between my job in Southcenter and my school in Tacoma. Perhaps many positive experiences are overwriting my negative ones.
I also think I have been desensitized by this year’s BIG SNOW. When I drove to work after the first big snowfall, I cried on the way there because I was so scared I might spin out of control. When I finally got to work it took about a half an hour before I stopped shaking. I remember white-knuckling it home several nights on roads where you couldn’t see the lane markings, and driving 20 mph on the freeway because at 25 mph my car started to slip and slide. To get out of the driveway one day, I had to rev the engine almost up to the red line in reverse. The road to the freeway felt like one big pothole after another because the snowplows didn’t plow there. One time it took 2 hours to get home instead of 25 minutes: that was when I was out in the worst of the December snow storms. Visibility was so poor that I accidentally took the wrong exit off highway 167. Got about 300 yards onto the off-ramp when I realized that my car was NEVER going to make it up the hill of Hwy 18 Westbound. I had intended to get off at the next exit to Hwy 18 Eastbound. So, I pulled off to the side, turned on my emergency flashers, put my car in reverse, and slowly backed up. Steering and traction in the snow was difficult in reverse on a FWD car but I made it okay. I saw 3 other disabled vehicles on that fateful off-ramp who didn’t or couldn’t back up like me. Compared to that, rain is now a piece of cake!
But, you know, I think I should give myself some credit for this victory as well. Underneath my quiet, sweet exterior, beneath layers of mercurial moods and insecurities, there is a lionheart: brave and determined. I am a Leo! Sometimes I forget that. Lately, I’ve been pretty down on myself: what have I to show for my life in my early thirties? I have no house, no spouse, no kids, no career, no money, no passion, no special calling. I've felt like a failure and have been in self-destruct mode for a while. But, last week I started talking to a counselor. And this week I've realized that I'm not a failure. I just march to the beat of a different drum. Over the weekend, I remembered the last time someone picked out a song for me to perform: they described it as “something BOLD”. I remember blinking and saying, “What? Me?” Yes, just look closer...
Leo gleamed in the dark when I broke my foot falling off the balance beam as a teen. I just decided to practice on my other leg so I could complete an aerial dismount at the end of the season when my cast came off. And I did. Courage won the day when I signed up for dancing lessons by myself a couple years ago. I found out I'm good at it and the hobby brings me joy. While searching for the perfect career, I have bravely tried a wide variety of jobs I never dreamed I could do: healthcare, operations/admin, computer sales, teaching, and performing artist. In each one, I have done quality work and made significant contributions toward the success of my students or my team. Most recently, this quarter I was named among the top 3 most improved at work in 2 key areas. This quarter my RT preceptors have told me they see a lot of potential.
If I were a hero, I’d be a knight in shining armor. Only instead of the typical silver stuff, MY armor is pink and sparkly. And instead of saving damsels in distress, I just save myself. hehe! These days, I have some battle scars. My armor is a little tarnished and missing chinks here and there. Some days I'm just downright weary. But, I haven't given up. I don’t have a specific cause to crusade for. But, I still believe in mercy, friendship, love, joy, and courage. And I am fighting to hold on to hope: that someday I’ll find where I fit. That someday I'll have a home of my own. That someday I’ll share my life with someone. That someday I'll look back and be proud of the road I decided to take and the person I decided to be.
So, I say to the weather today as I'm about to leave for Tacoma and Woodinville later this evening:
"Okay Rain. Is that all you got? Bring it on: I'm ready for you now." :)